I am now 30 years old and have only just started to get over my bullied years that happened years ago at school. It started in 1989 my last year at juniors and followed into senior school where it got worse, much worse until I left in 1995, it was mental torture everyday, I couldn't sleep every night worrying about going into school the next day, I tried to pretend I was ill but my parents never fell for it, I wasn't much of a liar see, they always could tell, so got sent to school anyway. All the name calling, teasing, laughing at me and sniggering behind my back every single day, I felt horrible, alone and I hated myself, really hated myself. I lost all my self confidence which I am only just beginning to gain back now after 20 years.
I was always a chubby kid, but looking back at photo's of me back then I don't think I looked that huge, but my bullies made me feel like I was enormous repulsive ugly and hideous looking. When i saw myself in a mirror or shop window i felt repulsed by what i could see before me, I saw what they made me to believe I was. so much so I started comfort eating to make myself feel better and hiding the evidence anywhere and everywhere, even my poor little brother took the blame for pinching the food I stole sometimes, knowing it was me, love him, best little bro ever.
So, I started to pile on the pounds making myself fat and becoming exactly what they bullied me about in the first place, by making myself fat I also made myself an easier target for the bullies, so now I really was fat and ugly and weak and they loved ripping me to shreds on a daily basis with the name calling and mental torture.
I wished I had never been born, every single day I thought this, I hated my life and constantly questioned myself on a daily basis, what is the point of life? I hate it and wish I was dead.
Eating all that food seemed to make me feel better, for a short while anyway, I assume like people with cigarette addictions, but then it didn't last for long, so had to eat more and more and more to feed my habit, which is now what it had become.
Looking back now, My trouble was I never spoke to anyone about what happened to me, that was just silly, I should have spoken to someone, anyone, a teacher, my parents, grandparents, a friend or neighbour that I trusted, but back then I thought if I admitted I was being bullied by them idiots then I would be made a fool of by everyone, I'd just be a big fat ugly joke, which i already felt like anyway, why make it worse, I thought.
I recently found out by someone that a few of them were jealous. JEALOUS OF ME???? Why? I was fat and ugly, I didn't get it. Apparently, it was because I had long straight hair and no spots. that was it! I was made to feel like nothing and I hated myself for 20 years of my 30 years of life because of that. Daft isn't it. The other bullies I assume bullied me because I was an easy target and they followed the other bullies picking on me anyway, even a friend of mine sided with the bullies in fear of being picked on herself. That really hurt, even more so than what I was going through daily anyway.
So, If you are being bullied for any reason no matter how big or small you think it may be, it is a very big deal to you, because it is you that is being hurt and affected by it. It does matter that you get help, nobody will ever judge you, tell someone you trust, they will help you. Don't suffer in silence like I did, you are only bullying yourself doing that. Don't ruin your own life more by not getting help.
I really wish all these web sites and foundations and organisations for bullying were set up a years earlier, maybe I would have done something about it sooner, who knows?
Don't feel bad about yourself because of stupid no good bullies, they are nothing not you. Get help! Do it today, don't put it off any longer.
Your friend, Emma xxx
Page last updated: 30 May, 2012