I was born in Montreal Canada to Samuel and Marie Jean-Louis; the only daughter of my mom and my dad’s youngest. My influences during the first three years of my life was my family; until we moved to the U.S in Boston. I enjoyed my kindergarten years and my parent’s loved me until I went to first grade; and everything changed.
Age 6, 2005-I went to Helen Mae Sauter; new school, new place, and I was more than ready to get adjusted. Two new girls automatically clicked with me; Kat and Mackenzie; I thought I had it all in a new school. Until my life went downwards. This girl named Elysa; she was in the same classroom as me, the tallest in the class, typical tomboy. For some weird reason she hated my guts. Teasing me; pushing me; she publicly humiliated me, then caused me to get in trouble with the principal; also causing my new reputation to be a liar and turning the whole class against me.
The next year was hopefully going to be different; but it wasn’t; a guy named Curtis would continue bothering me. He once choked me by pulling o my hood; causing the zipper to bury itself into my neck. Telling the teacher didn’t exactly help. I continued the year with my teacher not liking me (not for that reason) and me being uncomfortable as the only black girl in the class.
Third grade; could describe it as hell, but that wouldn’t be enough. Freddy, the boy that changed it all, he would tease me endlessly, calling me ugly...Kat stopped being my friend; she had often argued with me or gotten mad at me for no reason, so my only friends were now Mackenzie and Annalise; but we never really saw each other since we were in different classes. The last days of school were coming up; and when we were supposed to sign each other’s papers; his signature to me was ‘m gonna kill you. Before I even had a chance to report it; he showed the teacher and blamed it on me; good thing she didn’t believe him; although some others did.
Then fourth grade; another new school. A guy named Matthew began annoying me; I being myself thought of it as a game, playing back and everything. And then the day came when he took it to another step, hitting and kicking my friends and I, we immediately went to go tell the dean; but my friends took this opportunity to call me a liar and a follower. All of them walking away from me and leaving me alone in the hallway. Then we had to move to Florida; new state; same grade, new school. I was alone; no one was my friend, this one girl agreed to be my friend, same religion as me, but when it came to the public view, I was invisible to her, exactly what people call fake.
Fifth grade came and I developed two more friends; Alex and Francis, I was naive enough to think of them as friends. By this time I had developed an addiction to eating paper as well as another addiction. Stupid as I was; I told Alex about my paper addiction, she broadcasted it; the teacher even pulled me aside and embarrassed me by questioning me about it. Then she stared talking about me behind my back; Francis not having a backbone followed her and did the same. Confronted Francis; but she was too naïve; following Alex and continuing to do the same until the school year ended.
At my new church, my two friends Shaina and Marina were great; but since my life had forced me to grow up too much and took my childhood from me; I started hanging out with older people as well. Shaina got jealous; immediately starting to talk about me and backstab me. My mom said enough for the school drama; sending me to a Christian school where I hit it off with a girl named Arianna. She was nice; at first. It all changed though, by this time I had already become a loner, not really being the social-butterfly I used to be; I had already been called a thief in this school.
This one day I decided to stay inside for recess; some other eighth graders had decided to as well, though they didn’t know I was there; taking that opportunity to talk about me and call me stupid and a nigger. I forgot about it; until this one day a girl came up to my mom (who happened to be in charge of after-school there) and told her that those girls were talking about me. When my mom confronted me about it; I shrugged it off and told her I already knew; but she kept on pressing, so I told her. She lost her temper; storming up to the girl and telling her off. The girl pretended she didn’t know what my mom was talking about. Then she took that opportunity; and again I was officially a liar. I couldn’t step into the class without being shunned; when I told Arianna what I felt, she went to tell the girl and they almost hurt me physically, only stopped by one. They told the teacher; calling me a wannabe and a liar. Later on my property was vandalized with paint; Arianna was the one to do it. I was alone again.
Seventh grade comes; I hang out with Shaina again, deciding to give her another chance. It was the five of us; Shaina, Marina, Victoria, Antonia, and myself. But soon; rumours began again; she called me a hypocrite, pulling the other girls away from me and shunning me out. But the girls still hung out with me a lot, mainly Victoria. Shaina took this opportunity to blame me for stealing her friends. During that same year; Victoria lost both her parents and had to leave. I was alone again. Also, though the principal likes me and tries to help me; her daughters talk about me as well; I the skinny twig whose thinks she’s all that.
Eighth grade comes; I stop hanging out with Shaina, even though I have to go to her house every morning. Arianna seems to have changed; so I give her another chance. We become really close, but Shaina and a new girl Cheyenne begin to talk about me because my best friend happens to be their crush, Jevon. Cheyenne’s brother is set on being Valedictorian, but no one wants him to, he has the advantage of having his father be the new principal...and his father hates me. Both brother and sister spread rumours about me; calling me, by short, a kiss ass and a desperate girl trying to get Jevon. Shaina’s no better; it’s the same with her.
Finally I lose it; almost confronting Cheyenne, only having Antonia and Arianna to hold me back. I then burst out crying and that’s when the teacher tries to intervene between Shaina and myself, but it goes downwards; with her yelling at me for being stuck up. Cheyenne lies to my face saying that she loves me as a friend; only to have the two continue backstabbing me for the rest of the year. This new girl named Esther came to the school; teased and made fun of because of the way she walked, talked, and how she was overly a bubbly person. She lost it; cutting herself and talking about suicide; she faked the smiles and hid the pain; she reminded me of myself, so I took it upon me to help her, but tryin’ to help her only made me even more depressed than I already was.
Arianna has liked Jevon since fifth grade; and she gets desperate, the only reason for her being my friend is to get closer to him. I’m officially alone; again.
And that’s my life so far.
During these years, I went from a nice; social butterfly who never failed to make people smile, to a sarcastic tomboyish loner who couldn’t trust anyone. I cut in sixth grade; not so deep, and the scars are gone. I was also addicted to sleep aids for two years. I would often hit myself and call myself stupid. I snapped at people easily; often losing my temper. I was depressed at random times; crying often and sometimes being too over-active. I talked a lot, sometimes too quick for people to understand me. I broke down easily and was easily irritable; I slept barely, sleeping for only six or seven hours at night; only to sleep whenever we were in a car ride. I could think up to fifteen thoughts in a minute; and I tended to overthink on everything.
Some days I thought I was beautiful; some days I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I hated getting out of bed in the morning; saying five to ten minutes longer or more; even though I had no more sleep left in me. I was extremely sarcastic and needed to be in control all the time. And I always thought I was being watched, no matter what. I was highly reserved; not talking in public unless spoken to. I still am like that.
It was also during that time I learned about Demi Lovato’s story; how she used to cut and had an eating disorder; only to go into rehab ad discover she was bi-polar.
My inspiration is Demi Lovato, she’s been through so much; but she always held on to God, staying strong and getting the help she needed. I’m trying so hard to still have faith, to still hold on to God, I used to stay up at night, in tears and ask Why?¦but it stayed the same; I’m trying to hold on; it just gets even harder and harder to though. I tried committing suicide twice; once even grabbing a knife and thinking which way would be the quickest way to end my life. The only thing that kept me going was that my family was going to have to deal with that decision of me ending it. I didn’t want that for them.
I’m an eight year bullying survivor; I’ve been through hell and back, and I’m starting not to care about anything. These last few days are especially hard for me, I’m back in Canada for the summer, and I can’t stop crying everyday . I’m in pain. I’m invisible; people don’t even recognize I’m here until I talk, I’ve lost the voice I used to have. I’m a 35 year old in a 14 year old’s body, so my peers, church members, family, and teachers say and their right; my childhood’s been ripped away from me; I was forced to grow up and face the reality of life. The reality that my life isn’t perfect, it never will be; and neither will I. I don’t want to die anymore; but I don’t want to live this life I’m living.
My family says that I’m stronger because of this; that I should be thankful for the pain .I don’t know how I can. A person says that there’s always a light at the end of a tunnel; I guess I better sit back and go through the ride; cause I still can’t see the light. I must be in a pretty long tunnel. I look around me; people have it worse than me I know, it just makes me feel bad that I should feel this way when others have it worse but I’m still hurting. I can’t tell my story without bursting out into tears.
When I entered my high-school for the open house; I couldn’t move a step; I was frozen in my seat, mom tried to get me to move; I wouldn’t...I refused to; this is what bullying has done to me. My physical scars disappeared; but the memories, when I was tripped in front of everyone at recess, when I was teased, when I was publicly humiliated by Shaina; the mental and emotional scars just don’t disappear; I don’t think they ever will.
Even this isn’t my full story; there are still some things about me too dark to tell others.
I’m a hopeless romantic; but I doubt there will be a guy willing to accept me with all this baggage.
This is me.