When I was in Grade 5 I was bullied by this one girl really badly. She would tease me, call me names and swear at me. She would also punch me and kick me. The weird thing was she was my only ‘friend’. She was the only person that I knew. One time I was selected to read a poem I wrote in front of assembly. I was so nervous even after I read it and when I went to ask her how I went she wasn’t talking to me. She didn’t speak to me for 2 days. A girl I knew asked her why she wasn’t talking to me and she said it was because I didn’t ask her permission, before accepting reading it in assembly. I guess that’s just her personality.
It continued throughout the whole year and about half way through I simply couldn’t take it. I cut myself and I felt as if I was letting all the pain she had cause me out. After that I would cut regularly with on my stomach thighs and ankles.
She started calling me fat and ugly and that’s where things got even worse than they already were. I guess my mind believed that I was fat and ugly so I became a bulimic and I started wearing my hair over my face so that people couldn’t see it.
Towards the end of the year I really liked this guy but, he liked the girl who was bullying me. One day I was standing near him, about 2 metres away, and she grabbed my hair from behind and pulled it out of my face so that he could see my face. I fought back and a screeched but it only seemed to make her happy that it was causing me displeasure. That night I stared at my face in the mirror and just said over and over again, “I am fat. I am ugly. I am a slut. I am broken.”
On the second last week of school I had a breakdown in class. I excused myself and started to walk out the room but I couldn’t get there in time. I collapsed on the ground and started crying. I cried and cried and cried. Nobody said anything. The teacher came over, helped me up and took me down the principal’s office. When I was there I told them everything except the name of the person that was bullying me. I was terrified that she would find out so I kept it to myself.
On the holidays she had my phone number so she could still insult me and still make me cry. On January 3rd 2012 I tried to kill myself. I locked myself in the bathroom and made to huge cuts up both of my arms. I remember not panicking, just everything suddenly feeling perfect. Falling to the ground was the hardest part. My legs were weak and I was weak from blood loss. I remember blurry images of my mum bursting through the door of the bathroom and the static like sound of my mum screaming my name.
I was rushed to hospital and was in a rehab like centre until February 5th. I told nobody the name of the girl that bullied me. I was still terrified and I still am to this day. I have partly recovered from that. I still self- harm and I still have slight depression and anxiety but every day I am improving. Getting stronger.
As for the girl that bullied me, she has said to have improved. I wouldn’t know because I made the choice to avoid her at all costs.
For anyone thinking about committing suicide just remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem that can be dealt in better ways than suicide.